Lately, I seem to have journeyed on a mental endeavor. It's led to some feelings I wish I could shake off, and some realizations about the world that have made life feel more substantial yet overwhelming. Before trying to write this post I remembered a quote, but couldn't place it. The only words that came to mind were "all is meaningless." I typed in those words and it led me to Solomon's passage from the Bible, which varies on wording from translation to translation.
Other translations replace the word vanity with meaningless. Vanity though does also mean pointless, which makes it perhaps interchangeable with meaningless. Anyways, this might sound depressing and emo, but I can't shake this feeling of late. It's ruffled my balance of being content, and to be honest I have no idea why, but it's gotten worse over time. I will even be enjoying something nowadays, and then think to myself "why am I enjoying this?" It's like I'm trying to suffocate the last of what I enjoy to the point of where it becomes something more so I'm analyzing for value than to enjoy. This feeling in me has been growing in more since my freshmen year of college though, and the root of why it continues to grow seems to stem a lot from the birth of insecurity I didn't experience till later.
In high school I remember being who you hope to become, but it seemed everything happened in reverse. The person I was in high school I don't remember feeling much insecurity, or lack of confidence in her views or self. I was solid in how I felt about who I was in high school, and then I got into college, and who I am now is definitely no one I would have acquainted myself with then. To be honest, I've changed so much in the past year. If I met Holly from this time last year we would probably have a huge argument on a lot.